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Friday, December 30, 2011

come on snow!

I need a miracle. I need it to freeze in Ely ...for the snow to fall.. for me to sculpt. How is a Snow and Ice competition supposed to work when it hasn't even been freezing???! Oy.

I am so excited. Not only that, but I get to see one of my best friends of all time! Love you Sariah! The count down is on! 2 weeks!!!!

UPDATE: Ice and Fire competition was cancelled. Apparently, there is no snow :\

Thursday, December 22, 2011

The Tale of the Christmas Kitty

It was a few months back when I first started noticing evidence of an intruder in my house. It would go away for awhile and come back to broken cups and rolls of toilet paper tossed onto the floor. A while more, and I started noticing cat poo in unexpected parts of the house. Some time passed and I realized that this vagabond cat wasn't going anywhere anytime soon. The messes got bigger and the droppings kept coming. What was first only a minor annoyance was quickly becoming a problem I would need to deal with.

But, like most things, events and people, I ignored it. Not really intentionally, I was just really busy. Does the story sound familiar? The mysterious little kitty that I KNEW was sneaking into my house would have to stay that way. After all, if I wasn't living there, then it seemed fair if something else did. Which isn't saying that I didn't TRY to find the dang thing. I looked everywhere- upstairs, downstairs, in the cupboards, in the attic, up the bookshelf, in the bathtub, behind the stove, in the crawl spaces...etc etc. It just so happens that for months, the only true evidence I had that the cat even existed was the little haphazard paw prints which started showing up everywhere. Indeed, they taunted me at every turn.

One time, I mistakenly left a container filled with dog food there. Magically enough, little muddy paw prints were found all over the lid running off into the kitchen.

One time I saw it right after it snowed as it dodged into my house and into its mysterious hiding spot. The prints left in the snow looked like it was caused by weighted feathers.

Once I caught a glimpse of her sitting on the window sill as I was coming into the house. I stared at her contemplating whether or not to open the door, because I knew the moment that I did, she would run off and escape. So for about 15 minutes she caught my eye and we had a stare off (which by the a silly thing to do with cats. They always win!). I remember these giant green saucers of eyes just looking at me. I thought, wow this cat either half wild or half crazy. If there wasn't a wall and a window between us I felt certain that she would have jumped at my throat. Needless to say, I eventually had to break and go inside the house. Like I had expected, she jumped off and ran away faster than I could catch her.

But then I hatched a plan. There were only two possible ways that she was getting upstairs into the house. The first was through the vent in the living room and the second was in the utility room where she was sneaking around the panel underneath the bathtub. Well I thought I would be clever and seal off the route to the bath tub and then she would either be upstairs or down in the basement. I asked my mom to help me, and the plan was to isolate her location and then to catch her.

Something went wrong though. I sealed off the bathtub route and we proceeded to check the entire house and basement for the little kitty. But there was no kitty to be found. After 3 hours of searching we gave up. I figured that she must have found another escape, one that we did not know about.

A few days went by and my mom came to me. "We NEED to find that cat. Maybe it's trapped somewhere."

And then it dawned on me...what if there was no escape route from the bathtub. What if when I closed it off, I really sealed her inside! The thought terrified me. I grabbed my shoes and my mom and we sped off for the house.

Once we got there I immediately went to the bathroom panel and pried it free with a screw driver. Laying there curled around a pipe was this little grey furball, cold and unmoving.

Oh no. "Mom, she's dead." I said as I went to pull her body up. Her legs were wrapped in such a way that I thought I would break them pulling her up. I had tears welling up in my eyes as I finally pried her free. She was dead, and it was all my fault. I left her there to die in a cold, dark hole before Christmas.

But then something wonderful happened. The poor thing lifted up her head and tried to meow...not having the energy she quickly collapsed again in my arms.
And my mom grabbed her, "We need to get her to the vet NOW or she IS going to die."
Soon we were speeding away going to the vet. The whole time my mom was saying, "Oh no, I don't think she's going to make it. She's too cold!"
But I refused. "No, she has to make it."
As we handed her to the vet tech, I knew that there was a good possibility that she wouldn't. They said they would do the best they could, but in all reality, she was half dead. There was nothing left to do but pray and hope. Only time would tell what her fate would be.

As fate would have it though, she made a miraculous recovery. What was immediately uncertain going into the vet's office came to 180 degree about turn by the next morning. They didn't think she would survive the night, but in the morning she was up eating food and using the litter box.
WHAT? Is this the same kitten I found yesterday clinging to life? Why yes. The force is especially strong with this one. A week later and she is still severely emaciated, but she has this cute little pudge belly that is forming. She is even taking to dry food and hissing at my dog (Ani looks at me as if to say,"Mom, must we really bring in ANOTHER animal?") To which I have to reply, yes. This is the tale of the Christmas Kitty, which we thought to be dead but whom we brought back to life.
I named her Lucy.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

a divine map (rough)

Maps show so many things
Treasures and tales
Of lost golden rings.
Some maps are dirty
and yellowed with age
Some are crisp
some printed on noble page.
Some are folded
Hidden in some corner
And some are rewarded
With County Recorders

Every person draws their own map
Unknowing and alone
We are born a blank page.
A small light in the road
guides the way
To a scale bar of being
And a perspective life key.

Who else but God
could show us the way
When we have no idea where we are going
No idea what to say.
We are not born
With a draftsman's keen eye
How can we tell
The mountain from the sky
But if you look around on your map
there are a few hidden clues
To where you were born
and What you will chose.
One knows not
The roads she will take
Or the mountains she will climb
Or the fences of fate.

But of the drawing of maps
The most important is such
That the North Arrow
most importantly
always faces up.

Each moment in time
is but a little golden place
framed in your head
A concept of space.

(...rough draft. )

Bob Dylan's dream

While riding on a train goin' west
I fell asleep for to take my a rest
I dreamed a dream that made me sad
Concerning myself and the first few friends I had.

With half-damp eyes I stared to the room
Where my friends and I´d spent many an afternoon
Where we together weathered many a storm
Laughin' and singing till the early hours of the morn.

By the old wooden stove where our hats was hung
Our words was told, our songs was sung
Where we longed for nothin' and were satisfied
Singing, and talking about the world outside.

With hungry hearts through the heat and cold
We never much thought we could ever get old
We thought we could sit there forever in fun
But our chances really was a million to one.

As easy it was to tell black from white
It was all that easy to tell wrong from right
And our choices they were few and the thought never hit
That the one road we traveled would ever shatter or split.

Ah, many a year has passed and gone
Many a gamble has been lost and won
And many a road taken by many a friend
And each one I've never seen again.

I wish, I wish, I wish in vain
That we could sit simply in that room again
Ten thousand dollars at the drop of a hat
I'd give it all gladly if our lives could be like that.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

No to Facebook

This is entirely more difficult than I thought. I keep trying to check my account, but then remembering...oh wait. IT SOLD ALL OF ITS SHARES. I feel like a crack head with no crack. What ever happened to writing LETTERS? jesus. I don't want to know what all of my "aquaintences" are doing, and I definitely don't want them knowing about MY life.

These are TOTAL strangers, people. It doesn't matter about privacy settings!!!! You give Facebook PERMISSION to access your shiz when you have an account. It is dangerous.

For the record, I think the internet is evil. Sadly, it is a necessary evil. At least in the blogger world you can write about it. AND I don't have enough viewers to make anyone turn their head- makes for longer and lonelier nights, but hey I'll survive.

Rule #1 in the zombie apocalypse- don't draw attention to yourself.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Letting Go

I stole this out of my PSY book- thought I'd share.

Letting Go

To let go does not mean to stop caring,
It means I can't do it for someone else.

To let go is not to cut myself off,
It's the realization I can't control another.

To let go is not to enable,
But to allow learning from natural consequence.

To let go is to admit powerlessness,
Which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
It's to make the most of myself.

To let go is not to care for,
But to care about.

To let go is not to fix,
But to be supportive.

To let go is not to judge,
But to allow another to be a human being.

To let go is to not be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
But to allow others to affect their own destinies.

To let go is not to be protective,
It's to permit another to face reality.

To let go is not to deny,
But to accept.

To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
But instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
But to take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it.

To let go is not to criticize and regulate anybody,
But to try to become what I dream I can be.

To let go is not to regret the past,
But grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more.
Author Unknown-

Thursday, December 8, 2011

letter to Santa

Dear Santa,
If you exist, please bring me a Gretsch G6136STL Silver Falcon Guitar for Christmas. It is so sexy I could play it all night and day. It's so bold that it speaks to my soul and breaks quarter notes around my heart.

She plays pure fire and I would write a whole album of lyrical composition if I could only replace my electric that broke. Did I not mention that? Big Red met her demise. She had her neck broke off in the middle of the night. I still have no idea how it happened. I woke up in the morning and she was upside down on the floor, practically in two. Broke my heart. I mourned. Guitar suicide maybe? No, I think one of the dogs got too rowdy and pushed her over. (Remus obviously didn't like Fender).

Never mind the price, Santa! It is but a mere trifle of an investment. Sure, I could buy a champion Horse for that price- I know this to be true. I could also by a car, a new floor for my house, or any number of useful things! But for right now, I am going to print out a picture and hang it in my office. Just to look at. Possibly, I'll get all starry eyed and daze off for a bit- thinking about all of the licks I could strum out, hearing that sweet sound that could be nothing but a Gretch.

Well Santa. I know you don't REALLy exist. And if I still believed in you at 25, I'd kindly hope one of my kind readers would commit me. I do know that this is an outrageous post, however, when have I ever been anything but outrageous? And there's a piece of everyone that is!!


p.s. Hope everyone is kicking butt for finals/shopping/whatevs! Blessings.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

silent passenger

Time carries on
Like a heart
Pump pumping
Like a drum
Bump bumping
A pendulum in the night
Tick tock tick tock
A 4/4 measure
A quick change pleasure
Played by the steady hand
Of the silent passenger
We have all met
In our dreams.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

life Q and A

How do you climb a mountain?
A step at a time.

How do you change your life?
A step at a time.

How do you start something you want to do but haven't gathered the courage for?
Take a step in time.

How do you believe yourself that you won't fail?
Pick up your feet and see them land.

But what if your laces are crossed and your hands are full?
Leave what you don't need. Drop it, fix your laces and ...walk on.

What if I don't remember how to walk?
It will come.

What if your legs are broken and your spirit shot?
Take a breath, close your eyes and crawl.

What if you take the wrong path?
Go somewhere up high, look where you are going; then you will know what you need to do.

What if it is too dark to see?
Let your spirit guide you to where you need to be.

What if you lose your way?
Grab your own hand. Dig a hole and make a compass.

How do you do what you were meant to do?
Wake up every morning. Have faith in yourself and

What if I forget?
Then remember.

What if I don't make it?
Then you can say that at least you tried with everything you had.

Where am I going anyways?

What if I look behind me? I will get sad because things are gone.
If you are climbing a mountain and look back you will be terrified. Instead, look ahead and set your goal.

What if the goal is so far away...?

What if you forget your goal?
Keep walking until you remember.

After all, you aren't necessarily defeated if you get beat back. You just need to find another way around.

Sunday, July 31, 2011


Such a strange word...belief. What is it to believe? It is having faith. The opposite of fear. The light in the dark. Is it religious? I am not sure. I think so, but then again I have never believed in organized religion. Many things happen in this miniscule existence that we like to call life. Who are we to judge our own experiences, much less the experiences of others? What about faith, is it exactly, that makes us believe?

My mother actually came up to me a few weeks earlier and started talking about her "God of understanding". The phrase caught my attention, as I had never heard it phrased that way before. I asked her about it, and she said, yea. I am not one to tell who God is to you, but I know who he is to ME, and it is MY God of MY understanding. Wow. Is it that simple? Can we really just look inside ourselves and define our faith and belief for ourself?

Why not?

To err is human. But to have erred and not believed in anything? This makes me really sad.

So I asked myself. What do I belief? Well. Many things. I will write a list.

I believe in personal strength. I believe that even if your soul is asked by things you don't want in your life, or struggles so painful that you can't mention, that this strength still exists. I believe that true freedom only occurs when you seek your true strength and you work on yourself until it begins to shine. I believe that sometimes, people are like geodes. They have these rough outsides, but when cracked and burst open, there are thousands of gems just waiting to see the light of day.

I believe in more than just aspects of our lives, I believe that we are all apart of the bigger picture, and that children are the most precious things. I believe that good teachers are hard to come by, but when they do, the teachings will live forever in the hearts of all they touch.

I believe that belief can be stronger than all of our fears.

I believe that the past is just that.

I believe that there were people in my life that I had thought to have been different. But they weren't. I believe that I made them into the people that I wanted. But they weren't. So I forgave myself.

I believe that you can learn a lot about a person by fighting them. And that sometimes, this is truly the only way to know someone. I believe that you will begin to know yourself only through struggle.

I believe that so many people do not know themselves. That they are rough geodes that have never struggled enough to crack open.

I believe in not taking the easy way out. I compared this to my sister last night. That if you are standing at the base of a mountain, you will never know what the sight is like at the top unless you take a step at a time. Do as much as you can. No more, no less. If you push too hard, you will get tired and lose interest. If you don't push enough, you will stay in one spot forever.

I believe that one must always go forward.

I believe that you are the most important guiding hand to yourself.

I believe that breath is important.

I believe that there is a mean, cruel world. I feel sorry for it, because it has suffered so much that it does not remember what it is like to feel joy.

I believe there is a light in people.I believe that you need to trust it, feel it, be it. I believe this is the God of your Understanding. I believe that it is beautiful and the source of all the deepest abilities and desires.

So. Yes. I believe in something. If I didn't, I would be miserable. I am tired of being miserable. It wears so much on your soul. I am a fighter, and I am happy.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

too afraid...of what

Everyone has fears. It is ridiculously normal and human. Kings fear for loss of their kingdoms, paupers fear what they do not know. Myself? I am afraid of a lot of things. Perhaps a lot which I don't know, but for the most part I think I do. I am scared of losing my family. I am scared of dying tomorrow and my friends and family would not know how much they meant to me. I am scared that I am not learning fast enough. That our family business will crumble and we will be jobless in a world that does not value the skills I have obtained. I am scared to draw. I am scared that if I draw, my drawings will mean nothing and be thrown away. I am scared that I will hurt myself doing something stupid and will never recover. I am scared for our nation and all of the children growing up without an education. I am scared that a fire might burn up my house and community. I am scared I will lose sight of my goals. I am scared of other people's actions. I am scared that I will die because I was too weak to handle the world around me. I am afraid that I will have learned nothing in life, and the teachings that I have given will amount to nothing. I am afraid of the weather changing. I am afraid of a global food shortage. I am afraid for my friends who are trapped in desperate situations. I am afraid I will be attacked by someone much bigger and stronger than me.

See? Told you I was scared. Life is scary. I grew up a quiet, shy kid. I will always be that kid at heart. But I will also realize, that we are more than the fears that break us down, we are the strengths that build us up. I must be stronger than I am afraid of life. For even though I fear being trapped in the corner with no way out except through a lion's jaws, I know that I am strong enough to climb the cage and jump out to safety. If you fear your own strength, it will never surface in your time of need. And right now, I think we all need to learn how to be strong.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

el cielo es azul

"At the very beginning of this Place by Flowing Waters, The People gathered to build a Great Kiva. In so doing, they enacted the joining of the primal pairing of nature that bonded them as one people, male and female; Sky and Earth, sun and moon, winter and summer. The Great Kiva represented the First House created by the People upon their emergence from the Earth's Navel. The Great Kiva was the center of the Cosmos, where the six sacred directions symbolically came together, where The People reconnected with their spiritual and mythic origins and were nourished by the spiritual Center, the Earth's Navel.

Imagine the Great Kiva filled with The People of this Place by Flowiing Waters as they awaited the first rays of sunlight on the summer solstice. This was a sacred event, the beginning of a new cycle of life celebrated by all people. It was a time of renewal and thanksgiving. As you sit on the Great Kiva, you too are participating in this Celebration of Life. You have walked in the footsteps of The People of this Place be Flowing Waters. Remember that "place that The People think about."

-The Center plaque at the Aztec ruins (Pueblan) in Aztec, New Mexico.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

what's really great

top 10 things that I love:

My family
My friends
Having a job
Being active

Your turn :)

Thursday, June 23, 2011

defenseless. I think not.

I think so many women give up without even trying. They make excuses for themselves, or they admit defeat before the match has even started. They say, "I will never be that strong" or "I can't do those things", "Men will always be stronger than women". Or what's worse, they will try for about a half a second, and then without seeing immediate gratifying results, they throw in the towel.

"Oh I ran for 10 minutes, now I can eat this green tea frapachino and a couple of donuts."

And then the real kicker, "I just don't have TIME to do any of that stuff." or the green problem "I don't have the MONEY."

You can't hide from me, I know these excuses all too well. My last relationship EVOLVED around excuses. Do you think I was happy? Well, I damn well tried to be, but I didn't give myself the tools to do so. I could talk all day about my ex, and I could place all sorts of blame on this person if I wanted to, but the fact of the matter was, that it all comes down to a personal choice. You HAVE TO DECIDE who you want to be! What makes you happy! At this time of my life, I was miserable! And the shitty part was, that so was my partner. Instead of quitting smoking and doing something productive, we wasted all of our money on booze, cigarettes and video games.

One day, I just woke up and had this great epiphany. I wasn't where I wanted to be....I wanted to be home! I missed my family. My grandpa was sick. My sister was growing up without me. My mother needed me. My father needed my help. Could it really be so easy?
Well. For me it was. I was leading a destructive and unhealthy life, so I made a decision to get better. It just so happens that my partner did not want as much. In fact, the last time I heard from her, she was relapsing with cancer. Do I feel bad? Yes. Horribly. I feel sorry for her. I feel heartbroken and sad. But will I let this sadness consume me? No, I can't afford it. I AM TOO STRONG NOW. Does this make me a horrible person? Maybe. But I chose not to place blame. I don't want to blame her or hate her. I can't help but think about her now and then, despite the ignorance and the excuses and false brevity that was our relationship, I did care for her. It just, wasn't me. I let my guard down for over two years with her. She owned me, and I let her. It was my fault, really. I could have stopped it. But I was weak. It was a false sense of security, like a blanket to cover my eyes in the dark.
No more.

Does it matter who controls you? It could be a 300+ lb hairy, sweaty bald guy, or a computer nerd with hipster glasses. It could be someone who preaches peace everywhere except...within his own house. It could be a man. It could be a woman. It could be a mother, a father, a brother, a daughter. What if it was your boss? It could be a fat diesel dyke in a club, or it could be your pretty woman neighbor. It could be your could be anyone.

But you have to make a decision. Are you REALLY going to take that? Obviously, whoever is controlling you has problems of their own. Their ego is too big, or their penis is too small. Whatever it is, you need to make a decision.

Be a WOman. And no. This does not make you GAY. NO, it does not mean you are any less womanly or BEAUTIFUL. It means that you said F**k OFF, this is my OWN life, and you can not say or do anything that will convince me otherwise.

It doesn't even have to mean that you have been a victim in the past. You could be saying this to an abusive lover, sure. But you could also be saying this to yourself so that you can have the CONFIDENCE to do other things in life. Even simple things! Like... doing what makes you happy, or raising your hand in class. It can give you confidence to...wear that silly frimpy colorful skirt that you have been eyeing at for months. Or even to quit your vices and save your money to do something great!

So. You are not defenseless. And screw what the media has ever told you about what your body should look like. If you want to, you can be stronger than a lion. I'm just waiting to hear you all roar.


Monday, June 20, 2011

every woman should watch this

Monday, June 13, 2011

a transcending process

I did it. I got my black belt. It was the most physically demanding day of my life, but I pulled through with aces and spades.

I hurt my foot (again) and Shan had to practically drag me to Yosemite... the whole time I was replaying the test in my head and nodding off to deep and pleasant sleep. Poor Shannon had to drive the whole way there and back. I discovered the benefits of having a massage therapist friend, however. lol. She took good care of me and made sure I was able to walk and drive home.

The scenery was beautiful, but kind of a haze. Mostly I was looking at the sky and admiring my long time friend. The long drive up proved to be pretty steep, but the heights seemed like a slow fall compared to what I had just went through. There is a quote I came across recently, "When you are going through hell, just keep going." This is how I have felt the last 6 months...I just kept pushing, pulling and working. I had my goal set in my mind and nothing could deter me. El Capitan was impressive at Yosemite, but it really felt like nothing spectacular. Or maybe, it was the hundreds of tourists that deterred my enthusiasm. It an unbelievable trip on mushrooms without the body aches ad visuals. My third eye was shining through.

We spent the night in my two man tent. A storm rolled in like nothing I had experienced in a long while. The sky was a deep black and the thunder echoed up and down the canyon and shook the ground we slept on. Rain came pelting down and I remember feeling...very human. The air was crisp outside of the sleeping bags and blankets. Luckily, we had a very comfortable night with the grace of having a tent with no holes. I closed my eyes and just tried to absorb all of it. The sounds, the moist cool air, the rustle of the bag, the bruises on my body, the presence of Shannon lying next to me, probably just as observant and weary. Every muscle in my body was relaxed. I was in a state of bliss. When I finally fell asleep, it was so deep and healing and I woke up feeling so much better. My mind was calm.

This calm lasted for the duration of the trip, up until I returned home the next day.
So I took the last week off from everything except work to regroup and determine my priorities. Now that I have stepped to this plateau, what do I do? Where do I go? Now that I don't have to lose any sleep over having quit something I would have regretted my whole life...what do I do? I mean. I worked so hard to get HERE, but I don't want to just stay here. I want to transcend. My soul is healing and whole, but it wants to fly higher.

So with meditation and patience I asked myself, and I got my answer. I must do what makes me happiest but keep my highest priorities. My family, work and friends still come first. Next to that, I feel the fight in me coming out and a new confidence blooming. I believe I am going to get better at Jui Jitsu, and I want to fight MMA. I will finish school and keep striving. I will teach and draw what I know. Maybe someday, someone will reap rewards from the seeds that I plant.

It's all the little steps, though. You start with what you can do and keep building. Rome wasn't built in a day. Neither is your body. Neither is your soul or mind. Have confidence my friends. You will get to where you are going, but you must create your map first. Where do you want to go first?

Friday, May 27, 2011

one week left

I am ready. Still worried about my ankle, but with a wrap and a little luck, no one will even know I hurt myself. Oh, and Shannon. You still owe me a massage!!!!! :D

See ya'll from the top of Half-Dome!

Saturday, May 14, 2011

my kata life

This weekend I went to yet another tournament.

I like to ask myself, why? Why do I do it, I mean...honestly.

First off, it's expensive. I spent nearly $200 to drive down there, pay my entry fees and supply myself. If my pocketbook crying isn't bad enough, it is super stressful even to BE there. Everyone is zigging and zagging, yelling, shouting, screaming (it is a martial arts tournament after all!). Kids are hanging on chairs and playing with things that aren't theirs. One unknown child was joyfully playing with my gear bag and making an attempt at my keys.It's enough to make you go AHHHHH! But that's not all. Half the time I just spent waiting for my turn to go, or else waiting for the students (only 2 others went this time) so that I could help them. I was in front on the ring for nearly an hour before the judges got their heads on straight. Martin, the 6 (7?) year old student waited almost 2 hours to go spar...that was even with him bearing all of his sweaty gear!

I mean, I didn't even spar and I was still all clammy and fidgety. I suppose not everyone gets this way, but my hands and feet always get really cold and sweaty. It really is one of the most uncomfortable feelings.

So after waiting all this time and feeling a little bit like a refrigerated slab of meat, they call my class. Low and behold, I wasn't the only one this time. There was another red double black in my patterns class. I sat outside the ring and watched him perform first. He was strong and his movements were smooth, but he lacked conviction.

You see, one of the purposes of doing forms in the first place is to pretend that you are fighting an invisible opponent to a pre-determined set of moves. It essence... a dance. An aggressively controlled dance, but a dance nonetheless. And what do dancers have? They have soul, power, life. ...It's all the same thing you just gotta take my word for it.

So anyways, I watched this guy finish and I started getting excited, because I already KNEW I could win. From all of the practice that I had done and the soul I put into every single effing thing I do, I just knew that I had this. And I did.

I went into the ring, said my respects to the judges and started my form.

I started strong, I was powerful and fluid. I started and stopped in the appropriate spots just like I had practiced, that is...until I got half way through and panicked. I had forgotten the next move!

What was it!??? WHAT !?? AHH! I stumbled and cursed under my breath. I could feel two hundred eyes on me...all of them wondering what the hell I was doing. All I could think was...PANIC!!!! I FORGOT MY FORM WHAT AM I DOING

(*this is actually the second angel to save me in a tournament. His name is Sonny Whethers and he is awesome.)

You know what I did? I moved on. I finished. I finished strong.

Needless to say, I would have won if I hadn't stumbled. But you's kind of like life. Everyone stumbles, you just have to pick up and finish dammit! Even if it means faking the entire form because you forgot it. Even if you fall down, stumble, get punched in the face, laid off from work or your car window blown out. You move on.

And you want to know what else I learned? It's nice when those angels help you out along the way. You just have to keep your mind wide and your ears open. They never come when you want them to, but if you are willing, they will when you need to.

Take it from me, I'm the non believer.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

go back to sleep America

I don't care about your politics!
Let's go on a carnival ride!
Up and down,
Side to side!
I've got $2.00 left
let's buy some cotton candy
Forget about the war!
Isn't this dandy??

The man on the street is doing an act!
He's painted up silver!
Robot Attack!

A cop stands by
A smile concerning
Pistol at hand;
Baton oh so yearning!

But I don't care about your politics!
I am having a blast!
Let's go draw our portraits
And play music fast!

Don't pay attention
to the grim news report
Rising gas prices
Libya's retorts!

Eat some pie! Do a dance!
Screw it all! Take a chance!
What do you care
half your money doesn't exist
Leave it to the old folks!
I gotta piss!

Tuesday, April 12, 2011


As some of you know, I am going to be getting my black belt soon. In order to do that, I have to be REALLY in shape. We are going to wake up early, run 5 miles and then go through absolutely EVERY TKD move/maneuver/pattern that there is to know. And THEN I am going to go test.

And you know what? I am fine on all of that except for the running 5 miles. Running has always and forever been one of my most difficult struggles in life. I am always fighting something when I run. If it's not my breath, then it's my knee or my heavy ass legs, or my stubby thighs or my lack of muscles...whatever.

Ever since my knee surgery when I was 13, I have had on again off again problems. I can't go down steep hills without it feeling like a knife on the underside of my kneecap (still can't). If I stress myself too much and do too much activity, it starts to ache like no one's business. So I have been trying to give my knee a break and work out other parts of my body.

But yesterday I discovered something amazing. I was 5 minutes into my run when the pain decided to return. I was really pissy for about 2 minutes because I figured that my whole workout was shot, but then I tried something new. I tried running on my toes, and holy crap. No knee pain! And then I figured that if I just imagined myself being really light and my legs being lighter than a feather (not easy I assure you) my run got a LOT easier. It surprised the hell out of me!

So now I have a little bit more confidence, but I still can't go very fast. I am not wanting to either, just because of my knee. But also because...well. I'm not built like a Kenyan dammit. But I WILL finish my 5 miles.

There is no doubt of that. Yoga seems to be helping out too. My knee used to bother me 2-3 times per week...and besides yesterday's run, I haven't felt the pain in at least 2 months. I figure that's a pretty good sign that I am doing something right.

I still need to practice my 2 step sparring and remember 4 forms that I have forgotten. Should be interesting.


Tuesday, April 5, 2011

ode to a rainy tuesday

Pitter patter rain
and a little tai chi
in an unfinished building.

my sister and I
transitioning smoothly.
the wood feels raw
with saw dust and sand
an exhale release
and a wave of my hand.

spring mist in the air;
a sweet pitcher of life.
I hold my cup
and fill it with love.

oh these times.
they are silly.
too much pain.
too much misery.

Part the horses mane
Bend over the knee
Close your eyes
Feel the chi.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

The Fight

So, there was a tournament in Reno on Saturday. I didn't know that I'd be going until the night before, and at 10 pm I confirmed with my boss that all was good with my projects, went home, washed my uniform and finally got to bed at midnight.

After a brief 5 hour sleep, I was on my way to Reno. I had to get there early enough to register and I was only allowing myself one cup of coffee. I had the jitters anyway, I think my usual mass load of coffee probably wouldn't have done well with my nervousness.

For almost the entire drive, all I could think about was that the last time I had entered in a tournament. I was probably only 11 years old, but I remember going up against this blue belt who was very good. I remember, he had very fast hands and a mullet sticking through his helmet in the back. For memories sake, I'll just play it safe and say that I had a blue belt too, but I was not nearly as confident as him. I knew before I even went into the ring that I was probably going to lose. And, invariably I did. I got into the ring, and I just froze. I probably didn't even have my hands up. So you can see, I must have been a sitting duck, when WHAM, he nails a perfect side kick to my gut and I go tumbling backwards. Let me tell you...this hurts something fierce. I would not ever suggest putting your guard down.

But this is what fear does to people.
It tries to convince you to put your guard down.

Back to my story, though. So all I could think of driving down, was me at 11 getting my ass handed to me by a little boy with a mullet. These are powerful emotions! Yet still, I pressed on. I had to make it to Reno for this tournament, I just had to.

There was even a snow storm that I had to pass through. The same one that my friend ended up getting stuck in on the other side of the Sierra's, coincidentally. I pressed on, taking my time.

So the story continues with my arrival to the Convention Center. It was packed. I made it through the crowds to get my two class entry wrist bands. I would be competing in two things that day, sparring and kata (forms...martial arts dances). I was very confident about my kata, because I have practiced it so much that I could do it in my sleep. The sparring, however, would prove very difficult.

Until I realized, that I was the only red/brown belt in the entire convention that registered in the adult category. All of the big, intense, super awesome fights and such were all red/bown/black...under 21. They would have kicked my butt. Something that I must have been craving for, with a smile on my face...until I realized that I was the only one in my division. And this younger guy comes up to me, "...Um. excuse me Miss. Is it OK if I put you with the 50 and older division, they need someone to fight."

I looked to my right and saw the 2 most interesting people I have seen in awhile. There was an old man probably in his 80s with thick rimmed glasses, a hunched back, a grey beard and a pot belly. He looks over at me with this great big ol' gleeful grin which covered most of his face. I smiled back apprehensively, and then looked up to his friend in the same class. It was a woman in her late sixties about 3 times my size high and two times wide....a Goliath woman towering over me. She had a big nose and greasy curly hair to her shoulders. She, too, had glasses and a toothy smile. She let out a big HIYA as I glanced. I was so amused, relieved, and piss out of my pants scared. She terrified me, but I couldn't ignore her, so I grinned my biggest right back at her.

The ring steward had to have gotten a hearty laugh out of the 3 of us standing there waiting for a ring to be open.

See, and it wasn't even fair because, well. They paired me with the old man to fight first. I was nice about it...I gave him a chance. My theory on the whole situation, is that Goliath (I never caught her full name) was this woman's friend. Because after I ended up beating him (like I said...I didn't hit him hard at all) Goliath stepped into the ring with a fury so intense that it sent a ripple up my spine. I could hear little children in Japan falling over from her earthquake stomping. I had to be strong, but not strike that delicate line between grandma, big crazy lady coming after me, and fighter. It was hard to think about. And I felt myself going back to being eleven years old again. I started to freeze up and lower my guard again.

Then the most miraculous thing happened. I heard a voice outside the ring, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING PUT YOUR HANDS UP! MOVE AROUND!" And a bell snapped in my head. Wake up dummy! DUH. So I started moving around. Goliath came at me with a series of punches. I dodged to the right..WHAM. Point. I hear "TIME OUT", look around, and see Joji sitting outside the ring.

Joji was not technically one of my teachers, but I took a sparring seminar from her and her husband, Sensai Martin. The lady waves me over, grabs my head and starts talking in my ear. "Make her off balance and for God's sake, MOVE AROUND. Don't give her the chance."

I go back and we are sparring again. WHAM. I blitz and end up getting her forehead. Point. But upon landing my blitz, she throws one right back. BOOM! She got my jaw and scores another point herself. If I get one more point, I win.

Joji yells, "You can do it!" I dodge left and then right. I go up and try to come down with a front snap. Too late. Goliath saw it coming. BOOM! To the side of my face. Point.

I lost.
We lined up. We shook hands. But I still. Lost. I got a first place trophy and I didn't want it. I didn't deserve it.

Joji gives me her card. I came back and wrote this. Just now.

Monday, March 14, 2011

happy monday world!

To my 4 loyal, devoted, wonderful, blogging friends....Rock on!

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Spring Forward

Today the clock strikes an hour more. Where are you, my friends?

I sense us all going through a scene. No one's life is a straight predictable line.

All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages. At first the infant,
Mewling and puking in the nurse's arms.
And then the whining school-boy, with his satchel
And shining morning face, creeping like snail
Unwillingly to school. And then the lover,
Sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad
Made to his mistress' eyebrow. Then a soldier,
Full of strange oaths and bearded like the pard,
Jealous in honour, sudden and quick in quarrel,
Seeking the bubble reputation
Even in the cannon's mouth. And then the justice,
In fair round belly with good capon lined,
With eyes severe and beard of formal cut,
Full of wise saws and modern instances;
And so he plays his part. The sixth age shifts
Into the lean and slipper'd pantaloon,
With spectacles on nose and pouch on side,
His youthful hose, well saved, a world too wide
For his shrunk shank; and his big manly voice,
Turning again toward childish treble, pipes
And whistles in his sound. Last scene of all,
That ends this strange eventful history,
Is second childishness and mere oblivion,
Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything.
-Shakespeare (As You Like It)

So why do we fret? We already know how we came into this world, and we already know that life will not go on forever. We know that what we have is what we are given. We are given this gift of breath, of thought, of existence. We become aware, and in our sense of awareness, we exist. This is what I know.

So, again, why do we fret? So many of our moments exist as links and references to other times. To things come, to things past. Things that we wish to change become evident in our lives and we seek out some higher truth to explain what we can not.

We know that we all have a part to play, and we all want to know what it is. It's like watching LOST, or some other drawn out series. You know where you are and who you are, but WHY are you, really? Well. I suppose there is no fine line to draw this conclusion. This is a journey that everyone must endure.

In Tae Kwon Do, we start off every class reading the tenants. Courtesy. Integrity. Perseverance. Self - Control. Indomitable Spirit. These tenants have helped shape and form my life. Though I have strayed from it in the past, it has become a quasi religion for me now that I am an adult. It is a way of being, a life style, moreover.

So why do I fret? Well. Because I know for every part I have played in my life there are probably 200 gazillion that I have not. I have been a daughter, a child, a sister, a lover, a friend, a co-worker, a colleague etc. What I have not done I need not say here, but I think the item that tops it all is that I did not respect myself. In my times of need and trouble, I did not care to remember who I really was. And this is what hurt the worst.

So I decided to do something about it folks. Do you know what it starts with? It starts with an affirmative statement followed close by the necessary action to back it up. I will play my role, but for right now, I am not going to worry about it. I wake up in the morning and say, this is WHO I AM. This is WHERE I am. This is WHERE I am going, and by God. I am going to make it if it kills me.

And you know what? I try to be all the things that are good in this world. I TRY to be a good friend. I TRY to take care of my family. I TRY to teach kids in my class about being an adult. I don't always succeed. In fact, most times I think I come off like a bumbling idiot. But I TRY. And I sleep good at night because of it.

But if I can't live up to everyone's expectations...oh well. Life goes on. I am starting my Spring Forward with an affirmation of self respect. I play my part and do what I can when I can. I believe in myself, and that Black Belt is going to be mine!!!

Prometheus' Will

This was so good I had to share
From freewill

Dear Mr. Astrologer:

Like the god Prometheus, I stole fire from the gods and gave it to people who sometimes make awful use of it. As punishment, the gods chained me to a rock on the beach, and arranged for an eagle to come daily to eat my liver. Luckily, the liver grows back every night. Unluckily, the eagle always returns to devour it again. I'm used to it by now; it doesn't hurt as much as it once did. But I'm still eager to get out of my predicament. Any suggestions?

Aries in Limbo

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

letter to my history teacher

So, I am taking this History class through GBC, and it is conducted via WebCampus on Mondays and Wednesdays at the Winnemucca campus. Basically, I go in, and they have us all on video camera while the teacher teaches from Elko. I made the mistake of talking to a classmate during a lecture on Monday, and the following emails happened-

| I wanted you to know that the camera was on Winnemucca during today's video presentation and I noticed that there was some talking between you and a classmate. You should know that I do count participation as a part of the course grade.
| |
| | CMcM

Yes, but regardless I was still paying attention. I actually like and appreciate history. I could make a witty analogy to the WebCampus system and the British government, but I will save you the eye sore. Thanks though!
| Jessie

I'd like to hear your analogy, though!

Sure! Note that if anything, I am writing this to a)give some sort of comical relief and b)well. I am not sure. I like to write, and please don't take anything that I say seriously. I am obviously not doing this for a grade, but I feel compelled to respond in a civil and intellectual manner.

To start off with, there is the general idea of taxation without representation that was prevalent in Parliament. (and of which we have been discussing within the past week). My analogy begins hither with the idea that as a student, I am essentially paying a tax to the Great Basin College and in exchange I am receiving a great service of education. In essence, I would be comparing your role to that of a leader in Parliament. I do not know whether you are on any sort of authoritative Board or not, so for simplicity sake, I would not assume that you pass or exchange any such rules that a student would partake in. Instead, I will use this example to illustrate that it is essentially the right of the student to elect the classes he/she takes. In doing such electing, the person is thus voting for the teacher they would like to have represent their grades.

Therefore, in electing to take this history course I am paying a tax whereupon the teacher is paid to teach. It is my responsibility to learn or not learn, but it is ultimately my own will (or lack of will) power that will directly influence my final grade.

And just as the British government was attempting to control trade, raise taxes and submit blind authority to the New England citizens, thus I feel the direction of this class going. You may feel that I was disrespecting your class on Monday by carrying out a small menial conversation, but I would have to disagree on this end. In fact, I would say that I was probably respecting you more than you were giving credit for. I did, after all show some initiative by coming to class and trying to listen. You could say that I was being a loyalist this time. If the taxes were to increase though, I would have reasonable cause to raise my fellow colleagues to arms! (This is a joke)

Also, there is this mutual feeling of virtual representation within the classroom which is both literal and metaphorical to the Revolutionary cause. Literal in the sense that the camera really is watching. Metaphorical in that the distance between countries (WebCampus locations) is great and sometimes there is various mis communications.

Finally. I would like to make a suggestion. Perhaps the colonialists would have agreed with me on this manner, but before you went to war, this situation of salutatory neglect was quite preferable. Leave out the part where political hacks are voted into office and let sleeping dogs lie.

By this point you must think that I am strange beyond measure. I was upset that I could not attend class today. I had a last minute work trip to Colorado. I hope there are not too many typos, I am rather tired. I hope that your weekend goes well and my analogy is not entirely in vain.

Me and my smart ass mouth. What do you think? Will she despise me and fail me on principle?

Thursday, February 24, 2011

more strange unedited poetry

I invited Fear to dinner the other night
He showed up early
The dark was light.

I made a delicious feast of a meal
which we both looked upon
with strong appeal.
Fear's black eyes drew in heavy
the feast of a dinner
about to succumb to his belly.

And me? Well I thought
This is a sight.
Me and my friend
between candle light.

Asparagus spears,
Biscuits and beans.
A piece of ham, a bit of cheese.
Half of a chicken
A dark red wine
Our fingers grew greasy
The crumbs fell quite easy.

Fear said, why you out did yourself this time
And I said, why yes. It was all fine

And I leaned back and pulled a neat smile
For this I did feel as a child.
Fear got up, and I gave him a hug
Thank you for coming; now you must run
So I bid you goodnight
Out of sight
Out of sight.
My name is Courage
Time to blow out this light.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

the parting birds

I need to edit this later. *

As the snow fell,
the birds came.
Hundreds and hundreds
Searching for food;
searching for grain.

Driving down
a frozen farm road
Ice on my windows
ice on the snow.

They saw me coming
they flew side by side.
A wall to my left
A wall to my right.

Should I go fast?
or, should I go slow?
Some were so high
others floating low

Suddenly the crowd flew in front
I slammed the brakes;
put it in park.

Fluttering past
with little regard
Hundreds and hundreds
Upwards and over
Split in between.
Was it one mass split into two?
Was it one mass split into three?

And then the most curious
occasion of all
Was the one little bird
left way on the right.
She was flapping
and flopping her way alongside
but she had lost her crowd
was blind in sight.

There was her family
way to the left
I was in the middle
and on my car she lept.

A curious sight
of a lost bird on my mirror.
No bigger than my fist
Eyes black and clear
Brown coat of soft feathers.

She looked at me
and I at her.
A moment passed,
I must seem so absurd.
But in that moment
I swear she talked.
Opened her beak
and out came a squawk.

She said she was
but a wee traveler.
Lost her way;
would I help them find her?

Sure, I said,
they are over yonder.
And of this bird
I had grown fonder.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

time to (w)right

This week was insane. Boise was beautiful, and AutoCad was interesting. It is...well. Neat to learn new things. Practical, even, one might say.

Quit your bum ass art job and get back to work!
.. Nahhhhh....that'll never happen.
Don't worry!
But for right now, my phalanges have been craving some type action time and I am here to appease their will, for I have none of my own but to enjoy this new Pyramid Outburst IPA . (which for the record, I tried THREE new IPAs on my trip. It was wonderful, but none are yet as good as my favorite- the elusive Ranger)

So I will start on my topics today. Inspired by you, I bring you me.

Strength. This has been on my mind for some weeks now. But what exactly is it? What makes us strong? What defines us as weak? How would we ever know the difference? Is it tangible? What would it taste like?

When I was in Boise, I noticed a few very distinct things. First of all, I couldn't go anywhere without running into a complete and total stranger and seeing a smile on their lips. Once, I wasn't even paying attention, but looking at some man's coat, and he did a little wave and gave the biggest authentic grin I have ever seen from someone that I do not know. Was it just me? Was I the only one noticing this? Sariah said. It was just me. I have been cooped up in Winnemucca for too long.
Damn. She got me.
So I asked her, Didn't it drive you insane when you lived back in Winnemucca?
And she said YES. How do you do it?
The truth is, I am not sure.

I have tried so hard to seek my inner light in this place that is devoid of color. This is a place of few smiles and a bitter wind. Where the dust blows against you like icicles, and the only true color is on the rare sunset or sunrise. I live alone, I am nothing special.

I have been radiating with my entire being to try and seek the sort of inspiration that can make something worth living for. It took my trip to Boise to see a little bit of how far I have come. The fact that I could see my great old friend was enough in itself, but to see her smile, and to hear her tales. That was TRUE inspiration. Because whenever I look at myself, I know that I am on one path, while my friend is on an entirely separate journey that is just as great and wonderful. At this stage in my life, what is the point of comparisons or whatfors. I appreciate my friends in ways they may never even imagine, just because they exist, and for one small fractal of a millisecond in time, they were a part of my life.
I feel blessed.

This whole time I have been searching for my inner strength to act as my guide. This is important, don't get me wrong. Recently though, I am realizing the strength of everyone around me though, and it lifts me up higher than I would expect. Shannon is pursuing her life dream of massage therapy. Sariah moved to Boise without any help or family. She joined Crossfit and now looks so beautiful and wonderful (even despite your fender bender!). Alysha is in Georgia with the Army still, but still as brave and heroic as I remember her. Natalie is...well. I would tell you if she ever answered her phone! Wherever she is, I hope she knows that I love her and miss her.
And for everyone else in my life, thank you.

So to answer my original question. After much meditation and thought on the subject I would have to say that strength is more than the process of becoming strong. It is a mental clarity of obligation and honor. It is a self respect, but it is also so much more. It is a love that you would fight for. It is an idea and a weapon. Let it radiate and motivate. Resolve and breathe.


Sunday, January 30, 2011

this life.

For Sariah.

I am the person that I am because of reasons undefined. Perhaps it was the star's alignment of my birth, or perhaps it was the circumstance of my creation. Maybe it was my mother's will or my father's persistence. Perhaps it was ordained out of grief or happiness. Maybe it was because it was. Maybe it was because this was meant to be.

I finally realize how strong I am. It took me long enough. But how else can you derive what you are, except through trial and error. It's a great experiment of youth, in the beginning.
And I realize that I have had values that I had forgotten along the way. But the trick was...that I caught myself before it was too late. Before, I fell into a dimension of searching for someone I wanted to be and lead a life of self destruction and remorse. But why? I finally asked myself.

We can only be shown the doors to our choices. You have to step through by yourself.

I stepped through a door. I couldn't help myself. My family is the most important thing in my life. Everything I am is because of them, and I am grateful.

On Saturday I got to go to a sparring seminar in Reno.
I was nervous. Like I have said before, my ten year hiatus from TKD left me a little rusty. Especially in sparring.
Wilbur had a good run on me a few days before, and the 15 year old punk got me good. A flying reverse double side kick to my gutt. Ouch. So of course I was a little irritated too. I have since made it my mission in life to beat this kid at sparring.

So I went. It was awesome. I got such a workout, plus now I feel a little more confident in my fakeout reverse side kick (WOO it's cool!). PLUS I learned a new kick. A spiral kick. Yeah. That's right. It's bad.

So where was I going with this? That's right...
CONFIDENCE. It's an inner peace worth accepting.

That's all I have for now. Back to napping on this dreary Sunday..

Saturday, January 15, 2011

a few words


Mirabilia Report

(Mirabilia n. events that inspire wonder, marvelous phenomena, small miracles, beguiling ephemera, inexplicable joys, changes that inspire quiet awe, eccentric enchantments, unplanned jubilations, sudden deliverance from boring evils; from the Latin mirabilia, "marvels.")

* The National Center for Atmospheric Research reports that the average cloud is the same weight as 100 elephants.

* The seeds of some trees are so tightly compacted within their protective covering that only the intense heat of a forest fire can free them, allowing them to sprout.

* Thirty-eight percent of North America is wilderness.

* Anthropologists say that in every culture in history, children have played the game hide and seek.

* With every dawn, when first light penetrates the sea, many seahorse colonies perform a dance to the sun.

* A seven-year-old Minnesota boy received patent number 6,368,227 for a new method of swinging on a swing.

* As it thrusts itself into our Milky Way Galaxy, the dwarf galaxy Sagittarius is unraveling, releasing a thick stream of dark matter that is flowing right through the Earth.

* A chemist in Australia finally succeeded in mixing oil and water.

* Except among birds and land mammals, the females of most species are bigger than the males.

* The South African version of TV's Sesame Street has an AIDS-positive Muppet named Kami.

* The sky not only isn't falling--it's rising. The top of the troposphere, the atmosphere's lowest layer, is slowly ascending.

* To make a pound of honey, bees have to gather nectar from about two million flowers. To produce a single pound of the spice saffron, humans have to handpick and process 80,000 flowers. In delivering the single survivor necessary to fertilize an ovum, a man releases 500 million sperm.

* Some Christians really do love their enemies, as Jesus recommended.

* Kind people are more likely than mean people to yawn when someone near them does.

* There are always so many fragments of spider legs floating in the air that you are constantly inhaling them wherever you go.

* "The average river requires a million years to move a grain of sand 100 miles," says science writer James Trefil.

* Because half of the world's vanilla crop is grown in Madagascar, the whole island smells like vanilla ice cream.

* Your body contains so much iron that you could make a spike out of it, and that spike would be strong enough to hold you up.

* In his book *The Physics of Immortality: Modern Cosmology, God and the Resurrection of the Dead,* physicist Frank J. Tipler offers what he says is scientific proof that every human being who has ever lived will be resurrected from the dead at the end of time.

* In the Ukraine you can buy Fat in Chocolate, a food with a layer of dark chocolate covering a chunk of pork fat.

* Robust singing skill is correlated with a strong immune system in songbirds. Male birds with the most extensive repertoire of tunes also have the largest spleens, a key measure of immune system health.

* Bali has 80,000 temples.

* Romanian physicists created gaseous globes of plasma that grew, reproduced, and communicated with each other, thereby fulfilling the definition for life.

* In an apparent attempt to raise their volume above the prevailing human din, some nightingales in big cities have learned to unleash 95-decibel songs, matching the loudness of a chainsaw.

* There is a statistically significant probability of world-class athletes and military leaders being born when Mars is rising in the sky.

* Some piranhas are vegetarians.

* In the pueblos of New Mexico, bricks still measure 33 by 15 by 10 centimeters, proportions that almost exactly match those of the bricks used to build Egypt's Temple of Hatshepsut 3,500 years ago.

* Childbirth is often joyful even though it's painful.

* In hopes of calming flustered lawbreakers, Japanese cops have substituted the sound of church bells for sirens on police cars.

* Scientists believe they'll be able to figure out why cancer cells are virtually immortal, and then apply the secret to keeping normal cells alive much longer, thereby dramatically expanding the human life span.

* Clown fish can alter their gender as their social status rises.

* When she is born, a baby girl has all the ova she will ever have.

* Bluebirds cannot see the color blue.

* Gregorian chants can cure dyslexia.

* Bob Hope donated half a million jokes to the Library of Congress.

* Bees perform a valuable service for the flowers from which they steal.
* "Leafing through Forbes or Fortune [magazine]s is like reading the operating manual of a strangely sanctimonious pirate ship," wrote Adam Gopnik in *The New Yorker.*

* Revlon makes 177 different shades of lipstick.

* Your tongue is the strongest muscle in your body.

* The most frequently shoplifted book in America is the Bible.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

letters to a boy

Once again...this was inspired by Shannon's friend Tess. lol. I will write about pretty much anything as long as I can think of something to write about. Hey, it beats working!

So this blog is assuming that I am writing a letter to my childhood self.

Hey you. Yeah, you with the blue eyes. No one can figure you out, can they? I know life is serious, but you don't have to take it THAT seriously. I mean, afterall, you won't get out alive.

I know things seem rough right now, but you'll pull through and you will be stronger than ever. That surgery you had sure got you down, but if you can imagine your pain as a white bubble floating away from you, you will heal faster. I know that they all made rumors about you, that no one really stands by you to care, but you are stronger for it. And one day, you will stand up to the world and say HA. I DEFEATED that pain! I saw it, I battled it, and I won. Because no matter what it felt like, you know that you can never feel anything more terrible. Between the actual pain and the indifference and despise that your father placed on you, NOTHING will ever be that painful again.

And he hurt you. I know. I know because the pain ran so deep as to still affect your world. But someday you will learn the power of forgiveness, and how it can be even more powerful than hurt and pain.

Later you will be able to use that. So embrace it now while you still can, because it is only in the worst of situations that you will ever be able to feel your true strength. To stand up to a roaring lion, even though you are a wee mouse. This will be your true strength.

And don't worry over ever fitting in. Because you probably won't. You have a unique perspective on life, just because of how you were raised. Not everyone can say that they grew up by themselves in the middle of nowhere. Your mother tried very hard, but life beat her down and she has her own battles to triumph. You will be a lone wolf, because that is what you know. Embrace it and make the best of it.

Also, don't worry so much about God. She can see you, for she is everywhere, in everything. She is your true mother, mother nature. Just follow what you see and what you know. Don't ever compare your life to anyone else's for you have no idea what their path has been.

All in all, remember to breathe. You came into this world with a gasp of air, and you will leave quite the same. There are only so many breaths one is pertained to have in this life, make the most of it. Your breath IS your life. WIthout which, we would all surely perish within minutes.

If you are open and perceptive to the world, she will be open in return.


Tuesday, January 11, 2011

blame it on Angel

So, a lawyer decided that he needs help on his next case because he is not quite prepared to face the Powers that Be on the killing on 3 blind children. Maybe it is guilt, or maybe it is his conscious, but he goes to our hero Angel for help.

Now Angel is not perfect, in fact he is a vampire with a soul (a rare breed) and he is skeptical over our lawyer. After all...why should he help someone who normally works against him, who's boss is evil through and through- when he is working for good.

So the lawyer says, "You think you know me, do you? Do you know what it's like to grow up poor, with 6 brothers and sisters and watch helplessly as your father sells your house and you are homeless? There are two types of people in this world, Angel. Those who get stepped on, and those who do the stepping. I swore I would never be like my father, so I did the stepping."

Angel wakes up, "Oh I'm sorry. I must have nodded off. Did you get to the part where you are evil?"

lol. ...

In the end, Angel ends up helping him, and the lawyer screws him over. (saw that coming!) Because the lawyer had a choice to make, whether it was for the good or for the evil. In the end, evil won. Angel was dissapointed, but the children were saved.

WOW get back to work jessie!

Monday, January 10, 2011

new work computer!

Yay! Fully loaded with all the bells and whistles. 4 MB + 3.2 Ghz processor, Win 7 Ultimate and Microsoft Office 2010 .... WEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Only...I have been uploading, saving, storing, checking and receiving allllll day. lol. And to put ArcGIS 10 on, I have to go back to the old computer, remove it from the desktop, then re-install starting with 9.0, then 9.1-9.3 and then FINALLY 10. ugh. That's like 20 or so information packed data transforming cds. WOAH MAN! hold on!

AND I have to learn the latest AutoCad Civil 3D... my head hurts just thinking a about it. At least the helpdesk is free...

Let's seeeee...what else. I'm still pretty sick. I'm sure everyone is just loving to be around me...spreading mah germs and what nots.

PS Windows 7 is the bees knees :)

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

tornado kick!


So I am on a new mission before school starts to learn everything I can about HTML coding. I have to create a web page for my my blog may be rather strange for awhile in my experimentation process. I'll let my fans (yea you 2 are the best!) know when it's done so yall can oogle at this coded masterpiece (HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA! :P)

p.s. Something cool happened to me yesterday. When I went to TKD, my old instructor was teaching. He even had a present for me! Turns out that when I was studying for my black belt before, my mom had paid him to put a UTF (universal tae kwon do federation) patch on my uniform. He did it, and he kept it all these years that I was not in TKD on the hope that I would one day come back. It nearly made me cry when he gave it to me. And it still fit! :) pics to come.

oh wait Im supposed to be working!

Saturday, January 1, 2011

What IS a claimstaker anyways?

For those of you who are curious, and for those of you who don't know, I made this blog for you. A claimstaker is a rare breed nowadays, most often confused with prospectors, miners, surveyors, mountain men and crazy folks (yep it's true! you have to be crazy to love this work).

If you have ever heard the term to "stake a claim", it probably has roots in this profession. Basically, it is a branch of surveying that none of the registered surveyors would want to do in their right mind. Let me explain.

So when a mine first starts up, what they have to do is get some guy (mostly geologists) that says, "Hey! I think there is gold here!" And then some investors turn their head, thinking to themselves, "Wow. If that hits gold, we'll be rich guys!", so they gather a bunch of money (and hopefully a few other players) and they go out and look to a landman to see where the property rights stand (among other things). The landman then hires on a claimstaker to go out there and claim the land for them with a bunch of 2X2 posts and location monuments.

We use (and have used) sweat off our brow, 4-wheelers, donkeys, mules, grit and determination to go to the most random locations and to state these claims. We build maps to run off of, we survey with fancy GPS units and hoof it until we finish the jobs. Sometimes we are rushing against competitors in the same area. Sometimes it rains, sometimes it snows. Most times it's windy. In the summer, the sun beats you down. But every once and awhile, you climb that perfect mountain, on that perfect day, and find god in your work.

We haven't gone without criticism for our job. But I've never been so close to nature as when I run lines with my dad. It's hard work, but it's liberating.

animal totem

A friend of a friend posted something about animal totems, and I feel obligated to respond.

First, if anyone has not read Clan of the Cave Bear, I highly recommend it. The book has a strong reverence to all things nature, and digs deep into humanity as a whole and personal strength. To me, it was a first eye opening experience to the symbolism of animal spirits within ourselves.

I once knew this person who was a raven. For all that is good about that statement, and for all that is bad, this person was. A raven in mythology has many meanings. They are sleek, black, mysterious and cunning. Some consider it good, however, there are many other translations. It is also a carrion and a harbinger. It surrounds the dead and eats the flesh. A raven is a messenger and an omen. But a raven also is in essence a reality. This raven in particular helped me to realize my sign, as well as the signs of the people around me.

Everyone I know is really an animal underneath it all. Strip the clothes and the flesh and all that remains is an essence of character. Animals are character. We are animals.

Another animal that had an influence on me was a burrowing owl. She was beautiful, and my time spent with her was not long enough. She knew enough about the world to observe it, but to not take it too seriously. She was flexible in her manner and accurate in her attempts. She worked hard, still does in fact. And the love she has for her family was one to be admired.

I also know a few horses. They amble around with the highest curiosities for life. They love to travel and play in the sun. I have a sincere love for all horses, and I hold these people close to my heart.

My mother is a Rooster. My sister is an Ox. My father is another Horse. This is pure Chinese astrology, but its symbolism works as well.

Myself, I am a snow leopard. How arrogant that must seem, but I can not for the life of me think as to what else I would be. I am, after all, an Aries Tiger, but that in itself is not enough. I have an Aquarius moon and a Libra rising.

Hocus pocus, some may think, but this too is a lie. If you have never had your charts read, you should do it. The moon sign is how you perceive yourself, the rising sign is how the world perceives you, and the sun sign (the one you probably know)is just general characteristics you may have (though it may not be enough to formulate an entire picture).

As for the snow leopard part. Well. There aren't very many of us, and you wouldn't catch anyone else running around on the mountains like we do. Chances are that you have never seen one, but they have probably seen you. You would be surprised.

Oh, and Happy New Year everyone! It's 2011! Now what?