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Tuesday, June 28, 2011

what's really great

top 10 things that I love:

My family
My friends
Having a job
Being active

Your turn :)

Thursday, June 23, 2011

defenseless. I think not.

I think so many women give up without even trying. They make excuses for themselves, or they admit defeat before the match has even started. They say, "I will never be that strong" or "I can't do those things", "Men will always be stronger than women". Or what's worse, they will try for about a half a second, and then without seeing immediate gratifying results, they throw in the towel.

"Oh I ran for 10 minutes, now I can eat this green tea frapachino and a couple of donuts."

And then the real kicker, "I just don't have TIME to do any of that stuff." or the green problem "I don't have the MONEY."

You can't hide from me, I know these excuses all too well. My last relationship EVOLVED around excuses. Do you think I was happy? Well, I damn well tried to be, but I didn't give myself the tools to do so. I could talk all day about my ex, and I could place all sorts of blame on this person if I wanted to, but the fact of the matter was, that it all comes down to a personal choice. You HAVE TO DECIDE who you want to be! What makes you happy! At this time of my life, I was miserable! And the shitty part was, that so was my partner. Instead of quitting smoking and doing something productive, we wasted all of our money on booze, cigarettes and video games.

One day, I just woke up and had this great epiphany. I wasn't where I wanted to be....I wanted to be home! I missed my family. My grandpa was sick. My sister was growing up without me. My mother needed me. My father needed my help. Could it really be so easy?
Well. For me it was. I was leading a destructive and unhealthy life, so I made a decision to get better. It just so happens that my partner did not want as much. In fact, the last time I heard from her, she was relapsing with cancer. Do I feel bad? Yes. Horribly. I feel sorry for her. I feel heartbroken and sad. But will I let this sadness consume me? No, I can't afford it. I AM TOO STRONG NOW. Does this make me a horrible person? Maybe. But I chose not to place blame. I don't want to blame her or hate her. I can't help but think about her now and then, despite the ignorance and the excuses and false brevity that was our relationship, I did care for her. It just, wasn't me. I let my guard down for over two years with her. She owned me, and I let her. It was my fault, really. I could have stopped it. But I was weak. It was a false sense of security, like a blanket to cover my eyes in the dark.
No more.

Does it matter who controls you? It could be a 300+ lb hairy, sweaty bald guy, or a computer nerd with hipster glasses. It could be someone who preaches peace everywhere except...within his own house. It could be a man. It could be a woman. It could be a mother, a father, a brother, a daughter. What if it was your boss? It could be a fat diesel dyke in a club, or it could be your pretty woman neighbor. It could be your could be anyone.

But you have to make a decision. Are you REALLY going to take that? Obviously, whoever is controlling you has problems of their own. Their ego is too big, or their penis is too small. Whatever it is, you need to make a decision.

Be a WOman. And no. This does not make you GAY. NO, it does not mean you are any less womanly or BEAUTIFUL. It means that you said F**k OFF, this is my OWN life, and you can not say or do anything that will convince me otherwise.

It doesn't even have to mean that you have been a victim in the past. You could be saying this to an abusive lover, sure. But you could also be saying this to yourself so that you can have the CONFIDENCE to do other things in life. Even simple things! Like... doing what makes you happy, or raising your hand in class. It can give you confidence to...wear that silly frimpy colorful skirt that you have been eyeing at for months. Or even to quit your vices and save your money to do something great!

So. You are not defenseless. And screw what the media has ever told you about what your body should look like. If you want to, you can be stronger than a lion. I'm just waiting to hear you all roar.


Monday, June 20, 2011

every woman should watch this

Monday, June 13, 2011

a transcending process

I did it. I got my black belt. It was the most physically demanding day of my life, but I pulled through with aces and spades.

I hurt my foot (again) and Shan had to practically drag me to Yosemite... the whole time I was replaying the test in my head and nodding off to deep and pleasant sleep. Poor Shannon had to drive the whole way there and back. I discovered the benefits of having a massage therapist friend, however. lol. She took good care of me and made sure I was able to walk and drive home.

The scenery was beautiful, but kind of a haze. Mostly I was looking at the sky and admiring my long time friend. The long drive up proved to be pretty steep, but the heights seemed like a slow fall compared to what I had just went through. There is a quote I came across recently, "When you are going through hell, just keep going." This is how I have felt the last 6 months...I just kept pushing, pulling and working. I had my goal set in my mind and nothing could deter me. El Capitan was impressive at Yosemite, but it really felt like nothing spectacular. Or maybe, it was the hundreds of tourists that deterred my enthusiasm. It an unbelievable trip on mushrooms without the body aches ad visuals. My third eye was shining through.

We spent the night in my two man tent. A storm rolled in like nothing I had experienced in a long while. The sky was a deep black and the thunder echoed up and down the canyon and shook the ground we slept on. Rain came pelting down and I remember feeling...very human. The air was crisp outside of the sleeping bags and blankets. Luckily, we had a very comfortable night with the grace of having a tent with no holes. I closed my eyes and just tried to absorb all of it. The sounds, the moist cool air, the rustle of the bag, the bruises on my body, the presence of Shannon lying next to me, probably just as observant and weary. Every muscle in my body was relaxed. I was in a state of bliss. When I finally fell asleep, it was so deep and healing and I woke up feeling so much better. My mind was calm.

This calm lasted for the duration of the trip, up until I returned home the next day.
So I took the last week off from everything except work to regroup and determine my priorities. Now that I have stepped to this plateau, what do I do? Where do I go? Now that I don't have to lose any sleep over having quit something I would have regretted my whole life...what do I do? I mean. I worked so hard to get HERE, but I don't want to just stay here. I want to transcend. My soul is healing and whole, but it wants to fly higher.

So with meditation and patience I asked myself, and I got my answer. I must do what makes me happiest but keep my highest priorities. My family, work and friends still come first. Next to that, I feel the fight in me coming out and a new confidence blooming. I believe I am going to get better at Jui Jitsu, and I want to fight MMA. I will finish school and keep striving. I will teach and draw what I know. Maybe someday, someone will reap rewards from the seeds that I plant.

It's all the little steps, though. You start with what you can do and keep building. Rome wasn't built in a day. Neither is your body. Neither is your soul or mind. Have confidence my friends. You will get to where you are going, but you must create your map first. Where do you want to go first?