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Thursday, June 23, 2011

defenseless. I think not.

I think so many women give up without even trying. They make excuses for themselves, or they admit defeat before the match has even started. They say, "I will never be that strong" or "I can't do those things", "Men will always be stronger than women". Or what's worse, they will try for about a half a second, and then without seeing immediate gratifying results, they throw in the towel.

"Oh I ran for 10 minutes, now I can eat this green tea frapachino and a couple of donuts."

And then the real kicker, "I just don't have TIME to do any of that stuff." or the green problem "I don't have the MONEY."

You can't hide from me, I know these excuses all too well. My last relationship EVOLVED around excuses. Do you think I was happy? Well, I damn well tried to be, but I didn't give myself the tools to do so. I could talk all day about my ex, and I could place all sorts of blame on this person if I wanted to, but the fact of the matter was, that it all comes down to a personal choice. You HAVE TO DECIDE who you want to be! What makes you happy! At this time of my life, I was miserable! And the shitty part was, that so was my partner. Instead of quitting smoking and doing something productive, we wasted all of our money on booze, cigarettes and video games.

One day, I just woke up and had this great epiphany. I wasn't where I wanted to be....I wanted to be home! I missed my family. My grandpa was sick. My sister was growing up without me. My mother needed me. My father needed my help. Could it really be so easy?
Well. For me it was. I was leading a destructive and unhealthy life, so I made a decision to get better. It just so happens that my partner did not want as much. In fact, the last time I heard from her, she was relapsing with cancer. Do I feel bad? Yes. Horribly. I feel sorry for her. I feel heartbroken and sad. But will I let this sadness consume me? No, I can't afford it. I AM TOO STRONG NOW. Does this make me a horrible person? Maybe. But I chose not to place blame. I don't want to blame her or hate her. I can't help but think about her now and then, despite the ignorance and the excuses and false brevity that was our relationship, I did care for her. It just, wasn't me. I let my guard down for over two years with her. She owned me, and I let her. It was my fault, really. I could have stopped it. But I was weak. It was a false sense of security, like a blanket to cover my eyes in the dark.
No more.

Does it matter who controls you? It could be a 300+ lb hairy, sweaty bald guy, or a computer nerd with hipster glasses. It could be someone who preaches peace everywhere except...within his own house. It could be a man. It could be a woman. It could be a mother, a father, a brother, a daughter. What if it was your boss? It could be a fat diesel dyke in a club, or it could be your pretty woman neighbor. It could be your could be anyone.

But you have to make a decision. Are you REALLY going to take that? Obviously, whoever is controlling you has problems of their own. Their ego is too big, or their penis is too small. Whatever it is, you need to make a decision.

Be a WOman. And no. This does not make you GAY. NO, it does not mean you are any less womanly or BEAUTIFUL. It means that you said F**k OFF, this is my OWN life, and you can not say or do anything that will convince me otherwise.

It doesn't even have to mean that you have been a victim in the past. You could be saying this to an abusive lover, sure. But you could also be saying this to yourself so that you can have the CONFIDENCE to do other things in life. Even simple things! Like... doing what makes you happy, or raising your hand in class. It can give you confidence to...wear that silly frimpy colorful skirt that you have been eyeing at for months. Or even to quit your vices and save your money to do something great!

So. You are not defenseless. And screw what the media has ever told you about what your body should look like. If you want to, you can be stronger than a lion. I'm just waiting to hear you all roar.


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