Such a strange word...belief. What is it to believe? It is having faith. The opposite of fear. The light in the dark. Is it religious? I am not sure. I think so, but then again I have never believed in organized religion. Many things happen in this miniscule existence that we like to call life. Who are we to judge our own experiences, much less the experiences of others? What about faith, is it exactly, that makes us believe?
My mother actually came up to me a few weeks earlier and started talking about her "God of understanding". The phrase caught my attention, as I had never heard it phrased that way before. I asked her about it, and she said, yea. I am not one to tell who God is to you, but I know who he is to ME, and it is MY God of MY understanding. Wow. Is it that simple? Can we really just look inside ourselves and define our faith and belief for ourself?
Why not?
To err is human. But to have erred and not believed in anything? This makes me really sad.
So I asked myself. What do I belief? Well. Many things. I will write a list.
I believe in personal strength. I believe that even if your soul is asked by things you don't want in your life, or struggles so painful that you can't mention, that this strength still exists. I believe that true freedom only occurs when you seek your true strength and you work on yourself until it begins to shine. I believe that sometimes, people are like geodes. They have these rough outsides, but when cracked and burst open, there are thousands of gems just waiting to see the light of day.
I believe in more than just aspects of our lives, I believe that we are all apart of the bigger picture, and that children are the most precious things. I believe that good teachers are hard to come by, but when they do, the teachings will live forever in the hearts of all they touch.
I believe that belief can be stronger than all of our fears.
I believe that the past is just that.
I believe that there were people in my life that I had thought to have been different. But they weren't. I believe that I made them into the people that I wanted. But they weren't. So I forgave myself.
I believe that you can learn a lot about a person by fighting them. And that sometimes, this is truly the only way to know someone. I believe that you will begin to know yourself only through struggle.
I believe that so many people do not know themselves. That they are rough geodes that have never struggled enough to crack open.
I believe in not taking the easy way out. I compared this to my sister last night. That if you are standing at the base of a mountain, you will never know what the sight is like at the top unless you take a step at a time. Do as much as you can. No more, no less. If you push too hard, you will get tired and lose interest. If you don't push enough, you will stay in one spot forever.
I believe that one must always go forward.
I believe that you are the most important guiding hand to yourself.
I believe that breath is important.
I believe that there is a mean, cruel world. I feel sorry for it, because it has suffered so much that it does not remember what it is like to feel joy.
I believe there is a light in people.I believe that you need to trust it, feel it, be it. I believe this is the God of your Understanding. I believe that it is beautiful and the source of all the deepest abilities and desires.
So. Yes. I believe in something. If I didn't, I would be miserable. I am tired of being miserable. It wears so much on your soul. I am a fighter, and I am happy.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Sunday, July 17, 2011
too afraid...of what
Everyone has fears. It is ridiculously normal and human. Kings fear for loss of their kingdoms, paupers fear what they do not know. Myself? I am afraid of a lot of things. Perhaps a lot which I don't know, but for the most part I think I do. I am scared of losing my family. I am scared of dying tomorrow and my friends and family would not know how much they meant to me. I am scared that I am not learning fast enough. That our family business will crumble and we will be jobless in a world that does not value the skills I have obtained. I am scared to draw. I am scared that if I draw, my drawings will mean nothing and be thrown away. I am scared that I will hurt myself doing something stupid and will never recover. I am scared for our nation and all of the children growing up without an education. I am scared that a fire might burn up my house and community. I am scared I will lose sight of my goals. I am scared of other people's actions. I am scared that I will die because I was too weak to handle the world around me. I am afraid that I will have learned nothing in life, and the teachings that I have given will amount to nothing. I am afraid of the weather changing. I am afraid of a global food shortage. I am afraid for my friends who are trapped in desperate situations. I am afraid I will be attacked by someone much bigger and stronger than me.
See? Told you I was scared. Life is scary. I grew up a quiet, shy kid. I will always be that kid at heart. But I will also realize, that we are more than the fears that break us down, we are the strengths that build us up. I must be stronger than I am afraid of life. For even though I fear being trapped in the corner with no way out except through a lion's jaws, I know that I am strong enough to climb the cage and jump out to safety. If you fear your own strength, it will never surface in your time of need. And right now, I think we all need to learn how to be strong.
See? Told you I was scared. Life is scary. I grew up a quiet, shy kid. I will always be that kid at heart. But I will also realize, that we are more than the fears that break us down, we are the strengths that build us up. I must be stronger than I am afraid of life. For even though I fear being trapped in the corner with no way out except through a lion's jaws, I know that I am strong enough to climb the cage and jump out to safety. If you fear your own strength, it will never surface in your time of need. And right now, I think we all need to learn how to be strong.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
el cielo es azul
"At the very beginning of this Place by Flowing Waters, The People gathered to build a Great Kiva. In so doing, they enacted the joining of the primal pairing of nature that bonded them as one people, male and female; Sky and Earth, sun and moon, winter and summer. The Great Kiva represented the First House created by the People upon their emergence from the Earth's Navel. The Great Kiva was the center of the Cosmos, where the six sacred directions symbolically came together, where The People reconnected with their spiritual and mythic origins and were nourished by the spiritual Center, the Earth's Navel.
Imagine the Great Kiva filled with The People of this Place by Flowiing Waters as they awaited the first rays of sunlight on the summer solstice. This was a sacred event, the beginning of a new cycle of life celebrated by all people. It was a time of renewal and thanksgiving. As you sit on the Great Kiva, you too are participating in this Celebration of Life. You have walked in the footsteps of The People of this Place be Flowing Waters. Remember that "place that The People think about."
-The Center plaque at the Aztec ruins (Pueblan) in Aztec, New Mexico.
Imagine the Great Kiva filled with The People of this Place by Flowiing Waters as they awaited the first rays of sunlight on the summer solstice. This was a sacred event, the beginning of a new cycle of life celebrated by all people. It was a time of renewal and thanksgiving. As you sit on the Great Kiva, you too are participating in this Celebration of Life. You have walked in the footsteps of The People of this Place be Flowing Waters. Remember that "place that The People think about."
-The Center plaque at the Aztec ruins (Pueblan) in Aztec, New Mexico.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
what's really great
top 10 things that I love:
My family
My friends
Having a job
Being active
Food
Art
Animals
Guitar
Hats.
Words.
Your turn :)
My family
My friends
Having a job
Being active
Food
Art
Animals
Guitar
Hats.
Words.
Your turn :)
Thursday, June 23, 2011
defenseless. I think not.
I think so many women give up without even trying. They make excuses for themselves, or they admit defeat before the match has even started. They say, "I will never be that strong" or "I can't do those things", "Men will always be stronger than women". Or what's worse, they will try for about a half a second, and then without seeing immediate gratifying results, they throw in the towel.
"Oh I ran for 10 minutes, now I can eat this green tea frapachino and a couple of donuts."
And then the real kicker, "I just don't have TIME to do any of that stuff." or the green problem "I don't have the MONEY."
You can't hide from me, I know these excuses all too well. My last relationship EVOLVED around excuses. Do you think I was happy? Well, I damn well tried to be, but I didn't give myself the tools to do so. I could talk all day about my ex, and I could place all sorts of blame on this person if I wanted to, but the fact of the matter was, that it all comes down to a personal choice. You HAVE TO DECIDE who you want to be! What makes you happy! At this time of my life, I was miserable! And the shitty part was, that so was my partner. Instead of quitting smoking and doing something productive, we wasted all of our money on booze, cigarettes and video games.
One day, I just woke up and had this great epiphany. I wasn't where I wanted to be....I wanted to be home! I missed my family. My grandpa was sick. My sister was growing up without me. My mother needed me. My father needed my help. Could it really be so easy?
Well. For me it was. I was leading a destructive and unhealthy life, so I made a decision to get better. It just so happens that my partner did not want as much. In fact, the last time I heard from her, she was relapsing with cancer. Do I feel bad? Yes. Horribly. I feel sorry for her. I feel heartbroken and sad. But will I let this sadness consume me? No, I can't afford it. I AM TOO STRONG NOW. Does this make me a horrible person? Maybe. But I chose not to place blame. I don't want to blame her or hate her. I can't help but think about her now and then, despite the ignorance and the excuses and false brevity that was our relationship, I did care for her. It just, wasn't me. I let my guard down for over two years with her. She owned me, and I let her. It was my fault, really. I could have stopped it. But I was weak. It was a false sense of security, like a blanket to cover my eyes in the dark.
Stop.
No more.
WOMENS EMPOWERMENT.
Does it matter who controls you? It could be a 300+ lb hairy, sweaty bald guy, or a computer nerd with hipster glasses. It could be someone who preaches peace everywhere except...within his own house. It could be a man. It could be a woman. It could be a mother, a father, a brother, a daughter. What if it was your boss? It could be a fat diesel dyke in a club, or it could be your pretty woman neighbor. It could be your coach...it could be anyone.
But you have to make a decision. Are you REALLY going to take that? Obviously, whoever is controlling you has problems of their own. Their ego is too big, or their penis is too small. Whatever it is, you need to make a decision.
SAY NO.
Be a WOman. And no. This does not make you GAY. NO, it does not mean you are any less womanly or BEAUTIFUL. It means that you said F**k OFF, this is my OWN life, and you can not say or do anything that will convince me otherwise.
It doesn't even have to mean that you have been a victim in the past. You could be saying this to an abusive lover, sure. But you could also be saying this to yourself so that you can have the CONFIDENCE to do other things in life. Even simple things! Like... doing what makes you happy, or raising your hand in class. It can give you confidence to...wear that silly frimpy colorful skirt that you have been eyeing at for months. Or even to quit your vices and save your money to do something great!
So. You are not defenseless. And screw what the media has ever told you about what your body should look like. If you want to, you can be stronger than a lion. I'm just waiting to hear you all roar.
J.
"Oh I ran for 10 minutes, now I can eat this green tea frapachino and a couple of donuts."
And then the real kicker, "I just don't have TIME to do any of that stuff." or the green problem "I don't have the MONEY."
You can't hide from me, I know these excuses all too well. My last relationship EVOLVED around excuses. Do you think I was happy? Well, I damn well tried to be, but I didn't give myself the tools to do so. I could talk all day about my ex, and I could place all sorts of blame on this person if I wanted to, but the fact of the matter was, that it all comes down to a personal choice. You HAVE TO DECIDE who you want to be! What makes you happy! At this time of my life, I was miserable! And the shitty part was, that so was my partner. Instead of quitting smoking and doing something productive, we wasted all of our money on booze, cigarettes and video games.
One day, I just woke up and had this great epiphany. I wasn't where I wanted to be....I wanted to be home! I missed my family. My grandpa was sick. My sister was growing up without me. My mother needed me. My father needed my help. Could it really be so easy?
Well. For me it was. I was leading a destructive and unhealthy life, so I made a decision to get better. It just so happens that my partner did not want as much. In fact, the last time I heard from her, she was relapsing with cancer. Do I feel bad? Yes. Horribly. I feel sorry for her. I feel heartbroken and sad. But will I let this sadness consume me? No, I can't afford it. I AM TOO STRONG NOW. Does this make me a horrible person? Maybe. But I chose not to place blame. I don't want to blame her or hate her. I can't help but think about her now and then, despite the ignorance and the excuses and false brevity that was our relationship, I did care for her. It just, wasn't me. I let my guard down for over two years with her. She owned me, and I let her. It was my fault, really. I could have stopped it. But I was weak. It was a false sense of security, like a blanket to cover my eyes in the dark.
Stop.
No more.
WOMENS EMPOWERMENT.
Does it matter who controls you? It could be a 300+ lb hairy, sweaty bald guy, or a computer nerd with hipster glasses. It could be someone who preaches peace everywhere except...within his own house. It could be a man. It could be a woman. It could be a mother, a father, a brother, a daughter. What if it was your boss? It could be a fat diesel dyke in a club, or it could be your pretty woman neighbor. It could be your coach...it could be anyone.
But you have to make a decision. Are you REALLY going to take that? Obviously, whoever is controlling you has problems of their own. Their ego is too big, or their penis is too small. Whatever it is, you need to make a decision.
SAY NO.
Be a WOman. And no. This does not make you GAY. NO, it does not mean you are any less womanly or BEAUTIFUL. It means that you said F**k OFF, this is my OWN life, and you can not say or do anything that will convince me otherwise.
It doesn't even have to mean that you have been a victim in the past. You could be saying this to an abusive lover, sure. But you could also be saying this to yourself so that you can have the CONFIDENCE to do other things in life. Even simple things! Like... doing what makes you happy, or raising your hand in class. It can give you confidence to...wear that silly frimpy colorful skirt that you have been eyeing at for months. Or even to quit your vices and save your money to do something great!
So. You are not defenseless. And screw what the media has ever told you about what your body should look like. If you want to, you can be stronger than a lion. I'm just waiting to hear you all roar.
J.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Monday, June 13, 2011
a transcending process
I did it. I got my black belt. It was the most physically demanding day of my life, but I pulled through with aces and spades.
I hurt my foot (again) and Shan had to practically drag me to Yosemite... the whole time I was replaying the test in my head and nodding off to deep and pleasant sleep. Poor Shannon had to drive the whole way there and back. I discovered the benefits of having a massage therapist friend, however. lol. She took good care of me and made sure I was able to walk and drive home.
The scenery was beautiful, but kind of a haze. Mostly I was looking at the sky and admiring my long time friend. The long drive up proved to be pretty steep, but the heights seemed like a slow fall compared to what I had just went through. There is a quote I came across recently, "When you are going through hell, just keep going." This is how I have felt the last 6 months...I just kept pushing, pulling and working. I had my goal set in my mind and nothing could deter me. El Capitan was impressive at Yosemite, but it really felt like nothing spectacular. Or maybe, it was the hundreds of tourists that deterred my enthusiasm. It was...like an unbelievable trip on mushrooms without the body aches ad visuals. My third eye was shining through.
We spent the night in my two man tent. A storm rolled in like nothing I had experienced in a long while. The sky was a deep black and the thunder echoed up and down the canyon and shook the ground we slept on. Rain came pelting down and I remember feeling...very human. The air was crisp outside of the sleeping bags and blankets. Luckily, we had a very comfortable night with the grace of having a tent with no holes. I closed my eyes and just tried to absorb all of it. The sounds, the moist cool air, the rustle of the bag, the bruises on my body, the presence of Shannon lying next to me, probably just as observant and weary. Every muscle in my body was relaxed. I was in a state of bliss. When I finally fell asleep, it was so deep and healing and I woke up feeling so much better. My mind was calm.
This calm lasted for the duration of the trip, up until I returned home the next day.
So I took the last week off from everything except work to regroup and determine my priorities. Now that I have stepped to this plateau, what do I do? Where do I go? Now that I don't have to lose any sleep over having quit something I would have regretted my whole life...what do I do? I mean. I worked so hard to get HERE, but I don't want to just stay here. I want to transcend. My soul is healing and whole, but it wants to fly higher.
So with meditation and patience I asked myself, and I got my answer. I must do what makes me happiest but keep my highest priorities. My family, work and friends still come first. Next to that, I feel the fight in me coming out and a new confidence blooming. I believe I am going to get better at Jui Jitsu, and I want to fight MMA. I will finish school and keep striving. I will teach and draw what I know. Maybe someday, someone will reap rewards from the seeds that I plant.
It's all the little steps, though. You start with what you can do and keep building. Rome wasn't built in a day. Neither is your body. Neither is your soul or mind. Have confidence my friends. You will get to where you are going, but you must create your map first. Where do you want to go first?
I hurt my foot (again) and Shan had to practically drag me to Yosemite... the whole time I was replaying the test in my head and nodding off to deep and pleasant sleep. Poor Shannon had to drive the whole way there and back. I discovered the benefits of having a massage therapist friend, however. lol. She took good care of me and made sure I was able to walk and drive home.
The scenery was beautiful, but kind of a haze. Mostly I was looking at the sky and admiring my long time friend. The long drive up proved to be pretty steep, but the heights seemed like a slow fall compared to what I had just went through. There is a quote I came across recently, "When you are going through hell, just keep going." This is how I have felt the last 6 months...I just kept pushing, pulling and working. I had my goal set in my mind and nothing could deter me. El Capitan was impressive at Yosemite, but it really felt like nothing spectacular. Or maybe, it was the hundreds of tourists that deterred my enthusiasm. It was...like an unbelievable trip on mushrooms without the body aches ad visuals. My third eye was shining through.
We spent the night in my two man tent. A storm rolled in like nothing I had experienced in a long while. The sky was a deep black and the thunder echoed up and down the canyon and shook the ground we slept on. Rain came pelting down and I remember feeling...very human. The air was crisp outside of the sleeping bags and blankets. Luckily, we had a very comfortable night with the grace of having a tent with no holes. I closed my eyes and just tried to absorb all of it. The sounds, the moist cool air, the rustle of the bag, the bruises on my body, the presence of Shannon lying next to me, probably just as observant and weary. Every muscle in my body was relaxed. I was in a state of bliss. When I finally fell asleep, it was so deep and healing and I woke up feeling so much better. My mind was calm.
This calm lasted for the duration of the trip, up until I returned home the next day.
So I took the last week off from everything except work to regroup and determine my priorities. Now that I have stepped to this plateau, what do I do? Where do I go? Now that I don't have to lose any sleep over having quit something I would have regretted my whole life...what do I do? I mean. I worked so hard to get HERE, but I don't want to just stay here. I want to transcend. My soul is healing and whole, but it wants to fly higher.
So with meditation and patience I asked myself, and I got my answer. I must do what makes me happiest but keep my highest priorities. My family, work and friends still come first. Next to that, I feel the fight in me coming out and a new confidence blooming. I believe I am going to get better at Jui Jitsu, and I want to fight MMA. I will finish school and keep striving. I will teach and draw what I know. Maybe someday, someone will reap rewards from the seeds that I plant.
It's all the little steps, though. You start with what you can do and keep building. Rome wasn't built in a day. Neither is your body. Neither is your soul or mind. Have confidence my friends. You will get to where you are going, but you must create your map first. Where do you want to go first?
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